Milkpocalypse

Lesson 24: Do not put anything of value near the baby at any time. Especially if it's paper or electronic.


I narrowly avoided disaster with this one. For a while I have been putting Adelaide in my lap while typing on my laptop (yes, they will both fit just fine). It's really the only way to make her happy and allow me time to write my novel. Now, I think this may have been causing some pains in my forearms, but there is another reason not to do this.

This morning, I was considering looking up my email after feeding Adelaide, but thankfully I turned my computer off last night and was feeling too lazy to turn it back on this morning. I then considered getting my PS3 controller so I could do something while keeping her upright after she ate. You should keep a baby upright for a while after eating to minimize spitting up. Now, this doesn't always work. Adelaide's stomach has developed a way of becoming dormant, not processing any food until the exactly moment you lay her down. This could be 2 minutes later, or 2 hours later. Either way, once you lay her down, spit up will soon follow. Unfortunately, this is not ALWAYS the case.

Thankfully, I decided against getting the PS3 controller. We're trying to keep her from watching too much TV or looking at our computer screens, which is going to be hard on us. I did, however, put on a movie and turned her away from it. So here is the sequence of events. First, I fed her in a mostly upright position, a position I was told was optimum for feeding and keeping food down. Then, I burped her. She always burps twice, though the word "belch" might be more appropriate. I find she always expels gasses vociferously. After burping her, I sat her upright in my lap until he fussed for more milk. I fed her again, burped her again, sat her upright again. Seems I was doing everything right. Then, without provocation or warning, she lets loose a slurry of off-white vomit akin to a Las Vegas fountain. It reminded me vaguely of the scene in a certain Alien movie where a large, black, Gigerian claw skewers the android known as Bishop. I could physically feel her get lighter as the milk pours out of her and down my leg. It forms a pool of putridness around me in the chair. The ottoman is hit, the carpet is covered, and my clothes are soaked. I half expected her little head to swivel around 180 degrees, look at up me, and spit a volley of curses in latin and other languages, most of which had been long forgotten. I am convinced that the stomachs of babies are the one exception to the law of Conservation of Mass and Energy. There was no earthly way I put that much liquid into this small child. This was just as my wife pulled up in the car. I used the burp cloth to try soaking up as much of the mess as I could so I could open the door for her.

While I was in the shower, it occurred to me that, had I been on my computer, or had I been holding a playstation controller, the device would have met an untimely demise. Babies and electronics do not mix. It is like having a small explosive device near you at all times. You must keep it close, care for it, clean it, feed it, but at any moment it could go off and destroy that which you just spent several thousand hard-earned dollars on.

So, I am going to have to learn to put the baby down and NOT pick her up when she fusses. It is the only way to get her to learn that we are still here and she is still perfectly all right. And if I don't, I will never get anything done. I will lose my ability to write and with it, my sanity.